The Adventures of a Lonely Explorer

I'm on the brink of change.
I look in the mirror and I'm two different colors.
I remember when I was only one color.
One person.
I had vision.
I had hope.
I had a future.
But now that mirror on the wall states otherwise.
It says I've ruined all that.
But the Holy Spirit is constantly reminding me that I'm wrong. There is still hope and a future for me.

I keep telling myself, "it's a phase; a trial." You know, just that season?

I don't know.
All I know is that I want to be with God again. But I guess don't if I can sacrifice what's needed to do so.

I remember a few years back, I'd used to always tell God that I'd drop everything and follow. Because at the time, I did.
I could.
But never had I thought that I'd be the one in so deep that it has become difficult to give it all. I was so naive.
The world truly is a scary place.
In the midst of it all I'm trying to find my own success. I'm failing more than the faithless man who's only belief has been in himself.
I was a fool to tango with life.
By allowing the little things in to slowly build a nation inside the walls.

I'm not searching for back up.
Nor a consultant.
I'm just in need of people in my life to share good times with. To be joyful with.
The other night I experienced a good night out with people I have barely talked to and with people I've never met. That was a good time. Just talking, being treated as an equal, sharing laughs, and feasting on expensive entrées. That's all want from this life while I'm going through this rough period in my life.
Not sympathy.
And yet I go places and feel treated as a lesser. Ignored for a better.
Is that hard to acknowledge something I do or say to let me know that you care about anything I do at all?
Yeah, I guess out of the five love languages, mine would be compliments. I love to hear compliments and acknowledgments. It kinda boosts my confidence.
Just saying.
Obviously, everyone has their own language which they associate better with. Mine just happens to be that one. But I'm sure it's hard to notice when you pay the least attention to what I do. Or maybe you just act like you don't. I know I'm not great, I'm not cool, and yeah I'm a goofball. But don't treat me different because it. If you don't like it, don't ask to spend time with me. I'm perfectly fine not wasting both my time and gas.

I get it, I don't have much in common with most people.
I don't know much about cinematography, the names of actors and most musical topics.
But it's like no one seems to take note of some of my interests.
I can almost guarantee that no one knows most of my interests, when I can point out a lot of them from most of the people I hang out with.

I'm Chris Tapia, I love to write and make music, I love to have fun in every situation, I love to make friends, I love to help anyone and everyone, I love God, I love guitars, I love video games, I love movies: comedy, action, and psychological thrillers. I'm a healthy competitor, I love to build people up, I enjoy eating, I love music, I break awkward silences with silly comment that usually don't make sense, I love fantasy and am creative, I'm an escapist.

This has been an episode of The Adventures of a Lonely Explorer.

Stay tuned.

I'm hungry

It's 6 in the morning.
It's truly been awhile since I've been productive at this time.

I miss it.

Ever since college began, I've become so nocturnal.

I hate it.

It wasn't who I was or ever wanted to be.

I took pride in waking up early and getting things done.

It was always a day transformer when you spend your first waking moments with the Lord.

But that's changed for me. I hunger for it, but I just can't seem to take my eyes off all the other food that tend to keep me awake at such late times.

 

I woke up today with one thought on my mind:

"What am I doing with my life?"

I'm sure we all come across that section at some time or another; but today it really hit me.

I'm the type of person who looks at things and determine the potential of the investment I put in it; whether that investment may be time or money. I look at habits, jobs, games, exercises, and even friendships/relationships.

Let me elaborate on that last part..

 

Friendship has always meant a lot to me. It, not only, gives me the oppertunity to be there for someone, but for someone else to be there for you as well. And the way I see it, you get what you put in. In a sense, that's logic. And I'm thinking logically here, not because I like to, but because it happens to be a very real subject. But I don't let it control me either.

I'm saying that because, for those of you who are reading, don't think: "Oh he's just hanging out with me because he expects something back."

Because that's not at all the reason. I'll hang out with you because I like to, I'm your friend because I appreciate you and what you do; because friendship [like a relationship with a significant other] requires work from both people to make it work.

Thus, where my term, "investment" plays its part.

If you're always talking, spending time with your friend, you're putting a lot of effort towards your friendship. But this is a two-way deal.

There's no balance if all the effort is on one side.

It's not cool.

I understand if you're both putting in the same amount, whether it's a lot or little.

But if you're being a good friend to someone and that person doesn't treat you the same way back, it pretty much sends a message that he doesn't want to be good friends, right?

I mean, if you're always asking how they are, trying to see what more you can do for them [because you really want to in your heart] and they never ask about how're you're doing..

Or  better yet, when something detrimental or big happens to them and they don't tell you and end up finding out by asking them AND then finding out he's already told everyone else except you.

Makes you feel like feces.

I'm not getting anything out that friendship, so maybe I should lay off?

I couldn't, because they still invite me to places.

Am I being used?

Could be.

I mean I do have a vehicle = transportation.

I don't know, but I don't feel like wasting my time, or investing, in things that don't expand or improve.

A meaningful friendship.

 

PFFT.

 

This isn't personal.

 

=P

Running From the Dark

It's 1 A.M. and everything's silent except for the sounds of yourself walking.
You're in a street full of darkness, a place where the street lights don't shine.
You're all alone.

You may think to yourself: "How did I even get here."

Not a question, but rather a statement.

A statement because, really, you actually know how you got there.

But you find the need to say it in search of other answers.

A denial.

You continue to walk, not because you have a destination, but because [underneath the excuse of our curiosity] we really just have no other choice.

That light at the end of the tunnel.

Our lifetime search for hope is subliminal.

Over the past couple weeks I've actually gained something.

Besides a terrible paycheck.

I've gained new experiences, new friendships, a new connection to a friend I've known, the reignition of a great friendship, and [most importantly] a newfound confidence.

What I've learned is how much I'm getting sick of my younger siblings.

seriously.

On the first day of my job as the mall's Easter Bunny, I met an older woman who is so outgoing and just seemed to be the most optimistic person I had ever met. She then became really sick and stopped working.

Then, on the last day of my job [only a two week seasonal job], she came back and told me how, while at the hospital, she decided to take God seriously and proceeded to recommit her life to Him.

It was amazing. I had always look up to elders and older people in general.

But to see her put herself in complete humility to tell me how she screwed up and how much she is dedicated and faithful to God now (she even ended up crying). It just blew my mind.

I had been so selfish, so self-centered on my own personal problems and pride about being a role-model; a leader. I had forgotten what it meant to actually live for Christ and the way of servitude towards God.

It had always bothered me to do exactly what everyone else was doing.

It led me to slip away from people, church, etc.

I began to see all the humbleness and humility in places like Reckless, that it drove me away because I was too prideful, too caught up in maintaining that status of being an example. That I was scared to lay myself down in front of others for the sins that I've committed.

I'm a wall that I'm tearing down. But with a hammer that holds God's power.

I'm just not who I appear.

I'm a very very creative person, and yet when you talk to me, I'll openly think logically.

I'm the person who will play EVERY single scenario in his head just to be in a different place.

Not because I want to know what could happen.

Ever since I can remember, I've always felt that I'm meant to do something important.

I'm 19 with no leads.

If we're hanging out one-on-one, it might get awkwardly quiet between us because I'm afraid I'll say ONE WRONG WORD and it will either hurt you or turn you against me.

I just want to be loved back, to have an understanding person to talk to without inputting irrelevant problems you have when I talk about mine.

Because if you do, my heart is all set on helping you out and forget about myself.

I want to help this world.

Save it from its inevitable condemnation.

But, I'm just a man who's running from the dark.

Glass Half-Full

Ah.
Don't you just love that smell of fresh cup of coffee?

-Of course I'm talking to those can'tlivewithout devoted coffee drinkers.

It's wonderful, because no matter what you're doing, it all seems to go away with that first sip of the freshley brewed goodness. Then you place the cup down and it feels like a fresh new start.

-Although I could just be thinking over-dramatically. ha-ha

Sometimes that's all we need in the midst of the craziness and stresses from school, work, chores, and non-stop whining from the children we just love so much.

Now you must be sitting in your chair, wondering, "What's this got to do with anything?" (in those exact words).

Well my beautiful reader(s)....

It has to do with me.

How I've been feeling.

I have been in what seems like a cylinder ditch layered with marble with no way of escape.

My life of servitude to God, or as other's may interpret: my Christian walk, has gone downhill.

Down the disastrous side of the mountain I was up once.

Falling down without a single branch to grab onto, to only be encaved in a cylinder ditch of death.

Never had I seen it coming.

And as the days grew older, it seemed as though the ditch had grown deeper.

I was stuck.

So I gave up and entertained myself with what's around.

Some of you maybe thinking: "-GASP- I thought this was a positive blog!"

Well, it is.

I have regained my strength and my courage to awaken the perseverence inside of me.

I am out of the ditch and now looking for my way back to the path that has brought me such joy and peace.

I have never stopped loving God.

I am so thankful for the friends that I have, though not christians, they always seem to be there.

(even when you ignore their texts)

But as someone of great and obvious significance once said, "You are what you eat."

Well I ate the fruit of this world and continued to eat as if it were the great buffet that only costs $10 to feast.

[plus any other additional costs they try to find to charge you and then proceed to rush you out before you have the chance to finish your multi-flavored ice cream.]

Except this gourmet was free with only one tiny fee. Your soul.

Dramatic?

Maybe.

I don't know what you believe in, but this is was what is what like for me.

I hate who've I become.

I started swearing almost everytime I became angry.

I became someone entirely different.

Oh yeah, that guy who I was before I was saved.

I didn't feel seperate from God,

Although I technically was.

I still had daily conversations with God, but like a boy to his parent.

I've had a relationship with God for as long as I can remember.

(even though I wasn't saved;

I found out about getting saved when I was eleven years old)

The relationship just wasn't intimate when I fell. Interaction hadn't changed.

God has been there for me, he has been my father-figure since my real dad technically wasn't.

Anyways.

You're probably bored if you're still reading.

I'm finding my way back.

God has never left my side and, with Him, anything's possible.

This is my glass half-full.