You're in a street full of darkness, a place where the street lights don't shine.
You're all alone.
You may think to yourself: "How did I even get here."
Not a question, but rather a statement.
A statement because, really, you actually know how you got there.
But you find the need to say it in search of other answers.
A denial.
You continue to walk, not because you have a destination, but because [underneath the excuse of our curiosity] we really just have no other choice.
That light at the end of the tunnel.
Our lifetime search for hope is subliminal.
Over the past couple weeks I've actually gained something.
Besides a terrible paycheck.
I've gained new experiences, new friendships, a new connection to a friend I've known, the reignition of a great friendship, and [most importantly] a newfound confidence.
What I've learned is how much I'm getting sick of my younger siblings.
seriously.
On the first day of my job as the mall's Easter Bunny, I met an older woman who is so outgoing and just seemed to be the most optimistic person I had ever met. She then became really sick and stopped working.
Then, on the last day of my job [only a two week seasonal job], she came back and told me how, while at the hospital, she decided to take God seriously and proceeded to recommit her life to Him.
It was amazing. I had always look up to elders and older people in general.
But to see her put herself in complete humility to tell me how she screwed up and how much she is dedicated and faithful to God now (she even ended up crying). It just blew my mind.
I had been so selfish, so self-centered on my own personal problems and pride about being a role-model; a leader. I had forgotten what it meant to actually live for Christ and the way of servitude towards God.
It had always bothered me to do exactly what everyone else was doing.
It led me to slip away from people, church, etc.
I began to see all the humbleness and humility in places like Reckless, that it drove me away because I was too prideful, too caught up in maintaining that status of being an example. That I was scared to lay myself down in front of others for the sins that I've committed.
I'm a wall that I'm tearing down. But with a hammer that holds God's power.
I'm just not who I appear.
I'm a very very creative person, and yet when you talk to me, I'll openly think logically.
I'm the person who will play EVERY single scenario in his head just to be in a different place.
Not because I want to know what could happen.
Ever since I can remember, I've always felt that I'm meant to do something important.
I'm 19 with no leads.
If we're hanging out one-on-one, it might get awkwardly quiet between us because I'm afraid I'll say ONE WRONG WORD and it will either hurt you or turn you against me.
I just want to be loved back, to have an understanding person to talk to without inputting irrelevant problems you have when I talk about mine.
Because if you do, my heart is all set on helping you out and forget about myself.
I want to help this world.
Save it from its inevitable condemnation.
But, I'm just a man who's running from the dark.
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